Progression

I feel like this picture some days, looking at myself in the mirror I see a young woman, but I feel so old in my body that it is hard to believe my reflection. 


I seem to be progressing, and not in a good way. 


Some people say that chronic pain doesn't spread, but other people have proven it to exist in research, especially within complex regional pain syndrome or reflex sympathetic dystrophy (which I don't know whether I have or not). But regardless, it seems that my particular condition is one that spreads, and is spreading.


4 years ago the pain started as shin splints in my right leg from overdoing it in volleyball at the start of the season. And then it spread into both legs from ankle to knee;
And then it spread in between my shoulderblades;
And then it spread to my lower back;
And then it spread to the base of my neck;
And then it spread to the top of my neck;
And then it spread to my abdomen and digestive system;
And now it's in my arms, from wrist to elbow.


*Takes a deep breath before starting another sentence*


My point is that my condition is spreading. Point made? I think so. 


Sometimes I wonder what God is doing with all of this. But right now I am trusting in him and trying to move forward. My new verse for this phase is from 1 Chronicles 28:20, ""Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." So that's what I'm doing right now. I am starting over and doing the hard work of heading back to the doctors. I may face more rejection, but with God on my side I will be strong and do the work. 


My arms are a new adjustment. Previously when the pain got bad I would occupy myself by sewing, reading, painting, drawing, cooking, all things that involve fine motor skills and using my hands a lot. It's not that I've allowed myself to stop using my hands (how would I live?). But, it does make me think twice about what I do. For example, posting this took lots of time and effort because typing currently produces a burning stinging in my arms. I'm not trying to complain, I am simply explaining reality right now. 

(photocredit)


Take a moment with me and think about your hands. 
Think about everything you use them for in just one hour. From the moment you wake up, you use them to rub your sleepy eyes, turn on the light and start the process of getting ready to face the world. At the end of the day you use them to pull the covers up to your chin as you recharge your weary self to face another day. I know I used to take my hands for granted, and my legs, and my voice, and everything about my body that was just supposed to work properly. But when you have pain that stays, you realize how blessed you really were to have that body part functioning properly for as long as it did. 


Understanding seems like an unfair gain for how much pain takes, but sometimes it is enough. Take time to think about what understanding of your body you have found throughout the years and then leave me a comment.


In other news, All American Girl was so kind as to answer my comment with a post about talking to people about Chronic Pain. It was a great post and made me feel like a mini celebrity! 


In closing, be thankful for the body parts that function well, and be strong, courageous and do the work. Love to you, 


Rachael Ann