Lying or Withholding Information?

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What an applicable question to chronic pain! I'm so curious to see how other people answer this one.

To me this one (referring to chronic pain specifically, applied to the world at large it would take so much longer to answer) is easily answered by a great, big, huge, resounding, "YES!!!" In order to explain further, allow me tell you a story:

In the fall of 2008 Doctor number 500 (approximation, actual numbers may vary) decided that the Sport's Medicine department could do no more for me because, congratulations to me, I had chronic pain! They immediately shipped me off to a Chronic Pain Rehabilitation program that was both a blessing and a curse at the same time.

They immediately told me to stop talking about the pain. We were not to share pain levels, even with family. Ans also to avoid the topic of pain or our condition when talking to others. It was a crazy thought to me; ignoring the most obvious topic of conversation, after all, the pain is with me every nanosecond! But I, like an obedient patient, and I did as they said.

There are still people I am close to to this day who do not know that I have any sort of chronic condition. I worked full time this summer without letting on to any of my co-workers that there is anything 'abnormal' about me besides food intolerances.

There's such a fine line that we, as people living with chronic conditions, balance on every day. One side is dwelling on the pain, bringing it up in every conversation, letting it run my life. The other side is not acknowledging my needs and my unique situation, not letting others see my struggles, and pushing through too much.

Where does the balance lie for you?

So, in summary. Yes. I think it is completely possible! I have become the master of the stonewall, not showing the physical pain that I am in. I am lying to the world, sometimes for my own benefit, without saying a single word.

Acceptance

I tried over and over to start this post. I tried so many times that I somehow felt I had to make up for it by posting the above picture of a palm tree from an old vacation. 

I really want to just lay out my entire past, present and future in one post. But, I quickly realized:

#1) There is pretty much no one reading this other than me right now. 

#2) Even if there were a bajillion people, there would be almost no one (save for my mom) who would be willing to read through 500 pages worth of sentences starting with "And then..."

So, dear gainers, I am pulling a picture every day from this site and using it to jumpstart my electronic monologue. (which, when comments begin to flow, will become a conversation!)

Here goes:

What could be a better starting point for this blog, this year, this journey of gains that I am on? Just about nothing. =]

So, to answer the question..

In 12 months I hope to be attending college once again. I realize that it's a long and possibly difficult road to get me to that point. Like the question says, there will be a lot of striving to attain my wants/needs. There's no cakewalk for me. Every day will be a battle but I am ready to fight. 

One thing I NEED to do in the next 12 months is accept my condition to the point where I can relate to others well. Yes, that is a complicated thought isn't it? Let me explain a little. 

I have always been a fighter. When someone tells me I can't do something, you'd better believe that I'm going to go bust my ass to prove them wrong. I want to prove myself, to a fault. 

Acceptance has been really close to, if not the hardest part of my chronic pain syndrome. How, as a 16 year old, am I supposed to accept that I will probably never take another running step. As a 17 year old, that I will have the aching back of a senior citizen for the rest of my life. How about accepting as an 18 year old that I will most likely never be able to eat junk food, dairy, sugar, or bread? It's not something that is easy to do. 

In the past month I spent a lot of time as well trying to accept my future. The prognosis is non-existent. No doctor has ever been able to tell me what they think is actually going to happen with me, they just don't know. So, it's up to me to accept the fact that my future may look just like my past. There *may* be a string of new losses stretching into my future. There also may not, and I would welcome that possibility with open arms, However, I deserve to have self-talk that is based upon reality.Reality is that until (God willing) my condition goes away or into remission, my future will most likely be like my past.

I need to keep allowing myself to accept my present situation. It is hard to wake up in the morning and not be able to do the things that I want, but it could be worse! I also need to be able to take that level of acceptance and give it to others. Not only do I need to work on accepting as they are, I need to allow people to accept me as I am. I isolate myself socially and also speak as though my condition is temporary. I need to shift my thinking so that where I am right now is just fine.

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I WANT to have a level of health in the next year. I want to be able to walk and exercise my body. I am not expecting to be able to work out 5 or more hours a day again. I'm talking about being able to do 10-20 pushups and situps and then hike a mile. The thing is, I want this to be a normal occurrence and not something that happens once a year. Also I want to have my eating habits improve. I eat a High-Raw semi-vegan diet. (more info to come). This helps to decrease pain spikes but I know that I have not completely finished finding problems with my diet. 

This is me, not exactly looking forward to accepting! 

Just kidding, I honestly cannot wait to see what the next year holds for me (and you!). 

How about you? What are your want and need for the next year?